Writer's Block

Warning, this is all over the place.

I keep sitting down trying to clear my mind, but over the last few weeks I haven't been able to get my thoughts down.  A lot happened over the last month, especially in my Tedy's Team world.  For starters a close family member (Amy's Dad and Kate's Uncle) ended up suffering a stroke.  It was an eye opening experience for the entire family.  First, despite all the work the family has done to raise awareness, we learned you can never do enough to spread the word and make people aware of the warning signs of stroke.  IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE!  It put a new meaning behind this year's training and it inspired me to sign up for my 3rd Boston Marathon as part of Tedy's Team.  I'm happy to say that I got to visit Uncle Dennis for the first time this past weekend and I was blown away at the progress he had made in a few short weeks.  He's expected to make a full recovery and he's motivated to do it quickly.

I was surprised by how much of an impact his stroke had on me personally.  Last year when Amy, Katie and I all started running together I would get incredibly frustrated anytime I spoke with him about running.  It's hard to explain, but I felt as though I wasn't good enough to share a spotlight with his family and no matter how hard I pushed myself I likely would never beat them in a race unless there was some kind of excuse that gave me an unfair advantage.  I know this sounds ridiculous and it likely has a lot to do with me never playing organized sports and experiencing healthy competition, but I want my family to be proud and respect me for my efforts, and that includes my in-laws.  I know these conversations was never meant to be degrading and I know he is overwhelming proud of his children, but what I didn't know and have just come to realize was how motivating these talks were for me.  They pushed me to impress him, which is one of the reasons I signed up for Boston. 

With my Boston entry complete I now have 3 marathons in the next 15 weeks (LA on March 17th, Boston on April 15th, and Big Sur on April 28th).  It sounds a little crazy, but I want to show him and the rest of my family that I can accomplish even the most difficult goals and it'll mean so much more to be able to have them cheer me on in a least one of the races.

This brings me back to my busy January.  I finally made a commitment to take another step at bettering myself.  Last year I focused a lot on pushing myself to new limits physically by participating in events like Tough Mudder and trying to get a PR in every race I ran.  This year I'm trying to be more balanced.  

The first step is getting my anxiety under control.  I focus on the little things way too much.  I may even have a little OCD.  The table needs to be cleaned off, the laundry needs to be folded and out of sight, the dishes can't wait… My mind tends to focus on these little things and prevents me from relaxing with Katie or spending more time playing with Paige.  It's odd because when something big is going on I'm in complete control, but when I should be living and enjoying life I fall apart.  I recently started taking a prescription medication to help me with the anxiety and will be supplementing that with some counseling.  I debated putting this in here because it's really nobody's business, and I was a little ashamed of it.  Then I started talking to a few people about this and how there is such a taboo around mental health.  Is it any different from blood pressure medication?  I suppose that's up for debate.  Right now I'm going to use it to get things under control and help me to understand my triggers so one day it won't consume me.  Hopefully one day running will be all I need, but for now I'm okay with this.

My second step is my nutrition.  I finally met with a nutritionist and learned I don't eat nearly enough.  I fail to see how this will be a problem I have a hard time fixing, but with their assistance I'm hoping I can learn to fuel my body and help me get past the 20-22 mile wall I hit in every marathon.  Now it's about finding the proper balance of carbs, protein and fats.  I'm hoping this is an easy fix.

If writer's block continues this may be the only blog I write before my 3 marathons or I could write 50 more.  So for those of you that see my frequently here's what I need you to remind me of this year… I'm not running these marathons to break 4 hours - this year it's about endurance.  This year it's about running some of the biggest marathons in the country and enjoying it every step of the way.  And if this is the last blog I write before March 17th I also want to thank Katie.  Last summer Katie gave me the idea to run multiple marathons, but more importantly she is giving me the support to do it.  I have an incredible wife that pushes me to be the best father and husband I can be.  She supports me in everything I do and encourages me to do more.  Before I ran the Marine Corp Marathon this past October she sent me with a card to open before the start.  I keep the card in my gym bag and on days I have no motivation I take it out and read it.  It reminds me that I always have someone at home that loves me no matter what, but that wants me to keep believing in myself.  I love you, wife.

Try again.

It's been over six months since my last post and a lot has changed.  I've fallen off the wagon, gotten back on, fallen off, gotten back on, and then fell hard.  I ran the Marine Corp Marathon back on October 28th.  I had set a goal of 4 hours, I came in at 4 hours and 4 minutes.  Since then I've run less than 10 times total.  I completely lost my motivation.

First the excuses:  I hurt my foot - 3 weeks gone.  Work got busy - 2 weeks gone.  Holidays - 2 weeks gone.  I got the flu - another 2 weeks gone…. That brings me to today.

I'm ready to get motivated, not just because it's a new year, but because running is what keeps me going.  The last few months have been mentally tough and physically draining.  I've gained weight back and have just become tired.  I'm not as happy as I once was and I haven't been as good of a father, husband, son, brother, or friend.  This isn't me.

This week I plan on returning to Boston to train with my team.  I may not be as fast as I usually am or run without as many breaks, but it's a start and that's the important thing.  On top of that planning for my 2013 Bowling Tournament is getting underway.  This is the week I finally sit down and send out my letters soliciting donations and prizes.  It's also the week I finally live up to being a mentor to my teammate Bill.

In 2013 I plan on running 5 marathons, starting in March.  My time is limited and this year I want to take a new approach.  I don't want to focus on a time I want to focus on endurance and completing these marathons without injury.  My first step is towards better nutrition.  For those of you that know me I'm a sweet tooth, but this year my New Years resolution is to give up all those things that drag me down.  I'll continue 2012's resolution of no soda as well.  This year my goal is to eat fish at least once a week and limit red meat to almost nothing.  I also want to eat one full vegetarian meal a week.

Finally, I need to learn to focus on the things in life that matter to me most: Paige, Katie, my friends, my family, Tedy's Team… as simple as walking my dog more and less on the clutter in my garage, the laundry that didn't get done, and the dirty dish in the sink.  The little things in life cause me so much anxiety that take so much of my energy away from the things that are important.  I know it's not going to be easy, but recognizing and acknowledging the stupid little things is a start.

Next week I hope to blog about my first week of cold winter training and how much I missed running.  I'm hoping that getting this out there again makes me accountable and pushes me to be the athlete I was on the road to becoming in 2012.

Running Essentials

It's been a while since I've blogged and I've been one moody son of a bitch.  I figure getting some thoughts out here might help clear that up.  I really don't have much in particular to blog about, so I was going to take a minute to write about some of the things I have on me when I run and why they're important (I'm not talking about body glide, sports beans, or compressions shorts - but yes, they are essential as well).

One thing I've learned about myself is that I can often lose motivation rather quickly and so it's important that I remind myself why I do what I do.  As a way to remind myself of why I'm out there pushing my body I've got 4 very important things on me at all times.

1.  My wedding band.  Above all I need to remember it's not just about me.  Katie is my rock.  She is the one woman, person, friend I can always rely on no matter what.  She will be there cheering me on as I get a personal record or there to pick me up when I don't come anywhere close.  She's the one that got me into running in the first place.  She's the one that gives me the freedom to run whenever I want and the one that'll drive out into snow storms or out of her way to give me a bottle of water when I need it most.  Most importantly it helps to remind me that her and I are a team and I cannot look at any of this as "Operation Me", when it really has to be about "Operation Us."  Katie and I are going to run every half marathon together until she breaks her goal of under two hours.  We try again this coming Sunday!

2.  My red "Relentless" Leukemia and Lymphoma bracelet.  This bracelet was given to me by my good friend Meghan.  She had originally given me one that her mother wore during her battle with L&L, but unfortunately it was stolen with Kate's jewelry box this past December.  This bracelet reminds me why I started running in the first place.  It was a way to show someone I cared about how much I cared and a way to express how much I wanted to help them through a difficult time without knowing what to say or how to do it.  Although it all started with Mr. and Mrs. McCann the bracelet helps me remember many of the people I run for, like my dad.  It reminds me that no matter how hard it is to get out and run some of my longer runs that things could be much worse.  It means more than that though, it also reminds me that I have others looking out for me and supporting me from numerous directions.

3.  My black One With Them bracelet.  This bracelet's meaning is something entirely different to me than it's intent.  This was given to me by my friend Jack before he moved back home.  It's also got a few meanings to me.  First, it reminds me to keep faith in God.  Things happen for a reason and some recent events in my life have shown me just how true this statement is.  Second, it reminds me that I have more of an influence and an impact on people than I ever realized and that I need to stay confident in myself.  Since the beginning of this year I have had so many of my family and friends reach out to me and tell me how much I've inspired and influenced them.  Jack went from someone that hated running to someone that's now going to be training for a marathon.  My brother has lost almost 50 pounds and is training hard to run in this years Falmouth Road Race.  My sister has also reached out to me for fitness advice and is going to start training with me in the next few weeks.  It's been really incredible and I'm so thankful to know that I can make a difference in someone's life.

4.  My Paige 2-25-10 bracelet.  Paige is always on my mind.  I'm always pushing to set a good example and always trying my hardest to make sure she's proud of me, but I didn't carry anything on me while I ran that reminded solely of her.  I recently purchased a bracelet with her name and birthday on it, and I've been wearing it every day.  It's a way for me to always remember that no matter what happens to me during a run, or throughout the day there is someone that depends on me more than anything.  It just so happens that that little someone can also brighten my day and make me do things I never thought possible.  Paige has a new found love for motorcycles.  I recently told Kate that if she keeps up this love for motorcycles I'm going to have to learn to ride one and then buy one, because there is no way int his world I'm going to disappoint my little girl.  If she thinks they're cool, then her dad is going to be cool!  She continues to help me reevaluate all the choices I make.  Would it set the right example?  Is this something I want her to do one day?  Sometimes it'd difficult, but I know being a role model, especially for her isn't always going to be easy.  I need her in my life and I always want to carry something with me that reminds me of how much love I have for my baby girl.

Now, just because I know Matt usually has some smart ass comment I'll also throw out there that I always have 3 Doors Down on my IPod.  Surprise!  I recently just saw them for the 30th time, and it was a blast.  Keep on rocking! I'll keep on going!

One Mudder of a Blog

This past weekend was pretty incredible.  I took part in a 10 and a half mile military style obstacle course known as Tough Mudder.  I first heard about Tough Mudder from Amy's husband Jay last August while we were down the Cape preparing to run the Falmouth Road Race.  At the time I was nursing a knee injury and hadn't run in almost a month.  Jay showed me the website and I laughed at how insane the challenge seemed.  Never would I ever consider doing it....

Fast forward a few months.  Damien brought up Tough Mudder and was determined to get as many family and friends to join him as possible.  By this point I was signed up for the Boston Marathon and told him I'd consider it.  Fast forward another few months, early January.  I was hanging out with some Hanover folks at the Texas Roadhouse and was a few Killian Irish Red's in when another co-worker brought up the Mudder.  Beer balls!   BAM, I was in.  The next day at work I proved I wasn't all talk, paid the entry fee and soon we had formed team Phat Kids.

From January to May a lot happened, but most of the time I was focused on training for the Marathon.  I started a daily push up challenge with my buddy Jack to keep me somewhat focused on upper body strength and got stronger than I have ever been.  Then the Marathon came and went.  Emotionally it was an unbelievable experience, but the day was physically exhausting and I lost a lot of my motivation to focus on the Mudder, but that wouldn't stop it from coming.

Saturday morning I picked up Jack at the airport and we headed to Vermont with most of the team (Nick, Joe, Ian, Mike, and Damien).  Saturday night came and went and it was time for the event.  When we arrived at the mountain we could see the first wave of people had already started.  Looking as high as you could on Mount Snow you could see the deserted ski trails littered with people.  One thing was certain, Heartbreak Hill looked simple.  As we waited to start the anxiety was overwhelming for me, so much so that a few of my teammates started to comment that I was making them nervous.  It only built when I saw that we had to climb over an eight foot wall just to get to the starting line.  Then it was time.  As a team we made it over the wall and to the start, and as soon as I was within the anxiety turned to excitement.  It was one of the first times in my life that I stood there with a group of people and knew that it didn't matter what obstacles I could complete it was enough that all of us had signed up and were there ready to start as a team.

After the start line it was straight up the mountain ankle deep in mud.  Then, straight down the mountain, ankle deep in mud.  Jack was the first to wipe out, Damien quickly followed, and by mile 3 we were all a blur of muddy shirts.  There were 28 obstacles along the way.  We jumped into a dumpster filled with ice and water, climbed up and down hills of mud for 2 miles, crawled under barbed wire (and yes, it was real), crawled through pitch black underground tunnels, climbed cargo nets, jumped off planks into freezing cold water, crawled through water while electrical wires dangled from above, walked across balance beams with freezing water below, attempted monkey bars, slid down ice mounds, scaled a cliff (more or less), ran up a half pipe, got sprayed by a fire house, ran through a trail lined with burning hail bails, and climbed through logs wrapped in barbed wire.  Some of us were stronger than others during some of the obstacles, but we all stuck together and finished as the Phat Kids.

The months of hill training and long distance running definitely prepared me well for the mountain.  I had little to no pain in my calfs and legs the next day, but I learned my upper body still needs some work.  I was definitely able to do more than I would have ever been able to do in the past, and I'm proud of what I was able to do.  My only disappointment is that I choose to walk around one of the obstacles toward the end.  Rather than going over the 12 foot berlin wall, I helped my team get up and over and then met them on the other side.  I'm truly pissed at myself for this - there was no reason for me not to go over.  It wasn't an individual event, everyone needed their team to get over, and there were hundred's of strangers that were there willing to lift me.  This was the challenge that had me nervous from the moment I saw it.  I envisioned myself coming off of the wall and breaking my ankle and putting an end to all the running I have planned over the next few months.  I let my fear get the best of me.  It's like my mind is always looking for an out.  I'm always looking for something that can turn an incredible moment into a disappointment.  Well, props buddy, you did it again!  I dwelled on this a lot on Monday and Tuesday, but I'm ready to let it go now and just be proud of ever taking part in Tough Mudder.

To the 8 other Phat Kids - Damien, Jack, Joe, Nick, Meghan, Sarah, Ian, and Mike - thank you for an unbelievable experience.  Damien, thank you for planting the seed in my head and always giving me confidence to try new things and to be myself.  Jack, thanks for coming back to New England to be part of it all!  I hope the two of you are ready for some serious running once you've recovered.

One final thought now that the Marathon and the Mudder are behind me.  I'm in a complete post-event depression.  I have a sort of emptiness and I'm not sure how to fill the void.  I know it sounds insane, but I almost feel like I need my next challenge.  I still have the goal of a sub 4 hour marathon and I'm signed up for the Marine Corp, but right now it doesn't seem like enough.  I'm hoping as I get further from these events the feeling will go away, but right now it's not welcomed!

Below are some of my favorite pictures from the event:

2012 Boston Marathon Weekend captured by McCardinal Photo

The 2012 Boston Marathon - Thank you Tedy's Team!

When I started this blog back in December I knew that when I wrote about April 16, 2012 I'd be saying it was an amazing day, but I thought I would be bragging about accomplishing my goal and finishing the marathon in less than 4 hours.  Instead, I'm here with a finishing time of 5:07, 35 minutes over last years time.  What I got out of this race went far beyond any personal record, it was the truly the first time that I was able to experience the importance of a team and relying on your teammates.  

I had five incredible months of training.  I broke all sorts of personal records and goals I had set for myself and came out of it without any real injury.  Everything was set up for me to blow away my 2011 time of 4:32.  Then came the weather forecast - 80 degrees, then 82, then 86, then 90.  I was devastated to think all of my hard work was a waste because I wouldn't have a shot at my 4 hours, but after countless warnings from the BAA, our coach, and massive media hype I let go of those worries and really began to wonder if I was going to physically and mentally be up for it.  Over the weekend I had so many fears that I would either throw up or collapse on Boylston Street, right before the finish line - little did I know at the time my worst fear would happen.  

The temperature was already in the mid 70s at the start of the race, and by mile two I was already drenched with sweat.  Amy and I started off together as we had planned.  A few miles into the race with joined up with Tim, another member of Tedy's Team.  The 3 of us stuck together through the first half of the race.  We took walking breaks at every water stop and even a few in between.  It was a miserable day to run, but having teammates to help you through made a world of difference.  Tim had even shared with us his lack of training plan throughout the season, which made the fact that he was there all that more impressive.  At the half way point Tim couldn't keep the same pace with us any longer and told us to go on without him.  Amy and I continued for a few minutes discussing if it were the right thing to do.  Amy's ankle was really bothering her and the more than frequent walking breaks were taking a toll.  I could tell she was in pain and worried if she took it slower she wouldn't finish.  As much as I wanted to finish the race with my training partner I made the decision to stick back and wait for Tim.  It was a decision I will never regret.

The theme of our pasta party a few nights before the marathon was all about team, and I just felt as though I would be a hypocrite leaving Tim on his own.  It's not that I thought he wouldn't finish, but I knew Amy had the determination in her to make it to the end.  It was Amy's first marathon and she deserved to get the goal she wanted.  Tim and I ran together the rest of the way into Boston.  We took a lot of walking breaks and set small goals throughout the 13 miles.  We'd pick a street sign to start running at and another landmark down the road to stop for a walking break.  At one point along the Boston College campus I was starting to lose what was left of my steam.  Tim bolted ahead yelling to the crowd to give it up for his friend Dan.  An entire mile of drunken students chanting your name is a great motivator.  Tim's hamstring froze up on him just after his chant and it was my time to return the favor.  I didn't get nearly the crowd reaction he got for me, I got a lot to learn from this guy on how to motivate people, but I did my best.  

We ended up meeting up with two other members of our team, Jenn and Johnny.  They were running on the same tank we were and helping to push each other through.  The four of us ended up sticking together for the last long stretch into Boston.  Again we'd set small goals, but as the focus was on trying to get Johnny water I could feel my legs starting to cramp up.  It was at mile 23 that I thought I might not make it.  We got to the home stretch and decided we'd make ourselves look good and run strong through the finish.  At this point it had been over five hours and the temperature was just under 90 degrees.  We were on Hereford, all we had to do was take a quick left on Boylston and the finish line would be in sight.  Just before our left turn my right calf went hard as a rock and I couldn't take a step.  The four of us all stopped together.  Tim helped get the cramp out and Jenn gave one last pep talk.  We started jogging took our left and the finish line was in sight.  Half way down Boylston Johnny stopped to walk.  Tim, Jenn and I turned to get him moving again, but as we did both my calf muscles froze on me and I started to collapse, right there with the finish line in sight just as I had feared, and worse off right in front of my family.  Tim and Jenn caught me before I hit the ground.  At that moment I heard someone on the sideline say something along the lines of "That poor guy isn't going to finish and he's so close."  Luckily I was with my team.  Again Tim helped get my muscles moving again and he and Jenn started walking me toward the finish line.  

Johnny had no idea we had stopped and he had kept going to toward the finish, but right before he crossed he realized we weren't with him.  He came jogging back and took Jenn's place supporting me.  I honestly thought that this is how my marathon ended, that I was basically carried across the finish line, but luckily my sister-in-law Erin was right there recording the finish.  Right before we crossed they got me moving again and I was able to run across without any physical support.  Jenn, Johnny, Tim, and I all finished together.  It was an unreal moment.

Tim's girl came up to me at the Lenox hotel after party and thanked me for staying with him throughout the run, but truth is if I hadn't I have no idea if I would have ever have made it to the end.  It was honestly one of the most physically and mentally challenging moments of my life.  And as I said at the beginning it truly taught me what it was to be on a team.  As teammates we all helped each other through some tough spots, and literally carried each other to the finish.  

I know how amazingly cheesey this all sounds, but right now I'm on an emotional high and I don't care.  I am so proud to be a member of Tedy's Team and hope I am for years to come.  I barely know the 3 people that I crossed that finish line with, but they share one of the most important days of my life.

Finally, another quick thank you to all of our family and friends that were out on the course supporting us.  Having a familiar face in the crowd made a world of difference at some very important times.  I cannot express how challenging the high temperatures made this day.  It was a wildcard that none of us could really prepare for.  I'm so proud of my entire team, even the ones that weren't able to cross the finish line.  Most importantly I'm proud of my family.  Amy and Katie were able to get through some of the most difficult hours on their own.  They are two of the strongest and most determined women I know.  The fact that they faced it on their own and were able to push themselves is something I admire and something I never could have done on Monday.  I love you both and hope you realize what an amazing accomplishment you've both achieved.  This was my second Boston Marathon, but even before the race started I knew it was going to be the most important.

I've learned a lot about myself over these five months.  This isn't the end of my blog, just the end of this particular chapter.

One last Pre-Boston Blog.

First, thank you all for all the concern, kind words, support, and $$ that have gotten me, Katie, and Amy to this point.  Each day as the marathon has gotten closer my outlook on the outcome has changed.  I'm ready to take this on, to be safe, and to just finish the race.  Tomorrow will be one of the hottest Boston Marathon's on record and to one day look back and say I ran in some incredibly challenging circumstances will be a goal all in itself.

Tomorrow's run is more important to me than last year.  I've made this journey with family and I've grown physically and mentally stronger than I have ever been.  Tomorrow is about finishing that chapter of the journey, but not an end.

Tomorrow is about the American Stroke Association and raising awareness and fighting to end stroke.  Tomorrow is about my dad.  Him and I butt heads all the time and very rarely see each other's point of view, but I know how much I mean to him.  Tomorrow is about showing him how much he means to me and how much I appreciate everything he does.

Tomorrow has gone beyond just the cause I've helped raise money for over the past 5 months.  It's about all the people that have told me I've inspired them.  This is my way of continuing to inspire you - finishing the most challenging race of my life!  Let me also say I want to run a full marathon with each and everyone of you!

One last time, Katie - I love you and you're amazing for putting up with me.  I could never have become the man I am today without you by my side.

Finally, if tomorrow were an episode of Double Dare I'd say, "Physical Challenge Accepted."  Now, if only there were pools of green slime and giant peanut butter and jelly sandwiches standing in my way instead of intense heat.

To all the other runners out there - Good luck and be safe!