Writer's Block

Warning, this is all over the place.

I keep sitting down trying to clear my mind, but over the last few weeks I haven't been able to get my thoughts down.  A lot happened over the last month, especially in my Tedy's Team world.  For starters a close family member (Amy's Dad and Kate's Uncle) ended up suffering a stroke.  It was an eye opening experience for the entire family.  First, despite all the work the family has done to raise awareness, we learned you can never do enough to spread the word and make people aware of the warning signs of stroke.  IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE!  It put a new meaning behind this year's training and it inspired me to sign up for my 3rd Boston Marathon as part of Tedy's Team.  I'm happy to say that I got to visit Uncle Dennis for the first time this past weekend and I was blown away at the progress he had made in a few short weeks.  He's expected to make a full recovery and he's motivated to do it quickly.

I was surprised by how much of an impact his stroke had on me personally.  Last year when Amy, Katie and I all started running together I would get incredibly frustrated anytime I spoke with him about running.  It's hard to explain, but I felt as though I wasn't good enough to share a spotlight with his family and no matter how hard I pushed myself I likely would never beat them in a race unless there was some kind of excuse that gave me an unfair advantage.  I know this sounds ridiculous and it likely has a lot to do with me never playing organized sports and experiencing healthy competition, but I want my family to be proud and respect me for my efforts, and that includes my in-laws.  I know these conversations was never meant to be degrading and I know he is overwhelming proud of his children, but what I didn't know and have just come to realize was how motivating these talks were for me.  They pushed me to impress him, which is one of the reasons I signed up for Boston. 

With my Boston entry complete I now have 3 marathons in the next 15 weeks (LA on March 17th, Boston on April 15th, and Big Sur on April 28th).  It sounds a little crazy, but I want to show him and the rest of my family that I can accomplish even the most difficult goals and it'll mean so much more to be able to have them cheer me on in a least one of the races.

This brings me back to my busy January.  I finally made a commitment to take another step at bettering myself.  Last year I focused a lot on pushing myself to new limits physically by participating in events like Tough Mudder and trying to get a PR in every race I ran.  This year I'm trying to be more balanced.  

The first step is getting my anxiety under control.  I focus on the little things way too much.  I may even have a little OCD.  The table needs to be cleaned off, the laundry needs to be folded and out of sight, the dishes can't wait… My mind tends to focus on these little things and prevents me from relaxing with Katie or spending more time playing with Paige.  It's odd because when something big is going on I'm in complete control, but when I should be living and enjoying life I fall apart.  I recently started taking a prescription medication to help me with the anxiety and will be supplementing that with some counseling.  I debated putting this in here because it's really nobody's business, and I was a little ashamed of it.  Then I started talking to a few people about this and how there is such a taboo around mental health.  Is it any different from blood pressure medication?  I suppose that's up for debate.  Right now I'm going to use it to get things under control and help me to understand my triggers so one day it won't consume me.  Hopefully one day running will be all I need, but for now I'm okay with this.

My second step is my nutrition.  I finally met with a nutritionist and learned I don't eat nearly enough.  I fail to see how this will be a problem I have a hard time fixing, but with their assistance I'm hoping I can learn to fuel my body and help me get past the 20-22 mile wall I hit in every marathon.  Now it's about finding the proper balance of carbs, protein and fats.  I'm hoping this is an easy fix.

If writer's block continues this may be the only blog I write before my 3 marathons or I could write 50 more.  So for those of you that see my frequently here's what I need you to remind me of this year… I'm not running these marathons to break 4 hours - this year it's about endurance.  This year it's about running some of the biggest marathons in the country and enjoying it every step of the way.  And if this is the last blog I write before March 17th I also want to thank Katie.  Last summer Katie gave me the idea to run multiple marathons, but more importantly she is giving me the support to do it.  I have an incredible wife that pushes me to be the best father and husband I can be.  She supports me in everything I do and encourages me to do more.  Before I ran the Marine Corp Marathon this past October she sent me with a card to open before the start.  I keep the card in my gym bag and on days I have no motivation I take it out and read it.  It reminds me that I always have someone at home that loves me no matter what, but that wants me to keep believing in myself.  I love you, wife.

Try again.

It's been over six months since my last post and a lot has changed.  I've fallen off the wagon, gotten back on, fallen off, gotten back on, and then fell hard.  I ran the Marine Corp Marathon back on October 28th.  I had set a goal of 4 hours, I came in at 4 hours and 4 minutes.  Since then I've run less than 10 times total.  I completely lost my motivation.

First the excuses:  I hurt my foot - 3 weeks gone.  Work got busy - 2 weeks gone.  Holidays - 2 weeks gone.  I got the flu - another 2 weeks gone…. That brings me to today.

I'm ready to get motivated, not just because it's a new year, but because running is what keeps me going.  The last few months have been mentally tough and physically draining.  I've gained weight back and have just become tired.  I'm not as happy as I once was and I haven't been as good of a father, husband, son, brother, or friend.  This isn't me.

This week I plan on returning to Boston to train with my team.  I may not be as fast as I usually am or run without as many breaks, but it's a start and that's the important thing.  On top of that planning for my 2013 Bowling Tournament is getting underway.  This is the week I finally sit down and send out my letters soliciting donations and prizes.  It's also the week I finally live up to being a mentor to my teammate Bill.

In 2013 I plan on running 5 marathons, starting in March.  My time is limited and this year I want to take a new approach.  I don't want to focus on a time I want to focus on endurance and completing these marathons without injury.  My first step is towards better nutrition.  For those of you that know me I'm a sweet tooth, but this year my New Years resolution is to give up all those things that drag me down.  I'll continue 2012's resolution of no soda as well.  This year my goal is to eat fish at least once a week and limit red meat to almost nothing.  I also want to eat one full vegetarian meal a week.

Finally, I need to learn to focus on the things in life that matter to me most: Paige, Katie, my friends, my family, Tedy's Team… as simple as walking my dog more and less on the clutter in my garage, the laundry that didn't get done, and the dirty dish in the sink.  The little things in life cause me so much anxiety that take so much of my energy away from the things that are important.  I know it's not going to be easy, but recognizing and acknowledging the stupid little things is a start.

Next week I hope to blog about my first week of cold winter training and how much I missed running.  I'm hoping that getting this out there again makes me accountable and pushes me to be the athlete I was on the road to becoming in 2012.