Operation Me needs help.

I knew I was in trouble today when "Pages" come up on my IPod and rather than listening to it and reminding myself what I've overcome I skipped it because I didn't want to slip into my old self.

This is the week I rely on this blog to push me over a hurdle.  The past few blogs have been all about how great I've been doing, how fantastic my time has been, and how little the number on the scale means to me.  I am proud of my accomplishments, but this week I hit a wall.  It's the same fucking wall I hit every time I'm involved in an exercise routine, only this time it's really sending me off the deep end.

Every exercise routine and training season I get to the edge of being at my ultimate goal.  I get to a point where I know that if I just push a little harder and be a little more dedicated I'll achieve the number on the scale and have the body image that I want, but for some reason I can't take that last step.  Instead of doing what I need to do I get lazy and I settle for good enough.  I start to indulge in food that I had been so good about avoiding, and not just a little I go full throttle.  Well, it happened again the past two weeks.  I ran a great half marathon and saw the weight on the scale drop to 182.  I stopped watching what I ate and I started pushing myself too hard when I knew my body needed a rest.  Now my legs are tired and my weight is back up.

I weighed back in at 186 today.  I know to some this may not seem like a big deal, but to me it's more than just a number.  I know just last week I said the opposite, but I lied.  The number does matter to me.  It shows me that I'm not as far along as I thought I was.  Physically do I know I can achieve my goal of 4 hours?  Yes.  Mentally?  Well, if the scale tells me anything it's that I still have a lot to do before I overcome my biggest weaknesses of low self esteem and the fat kid that looms within.  Again, I know it may seem like I'm just looking for  reasons to be down on myself, but this very reason is why I started this blog.  I hoped I had gotten passed this, but I finally got to the point where I need help.

I like to think I've been there for many of my friends being supportive and pushing them along.  I hope that wasn't just in my head.  Now I need your help.  I need to be held accountable.  I need someone to check up on me.  I need to get passed this point and have a consistent confidence in myself.  I'm open to any suggestions or any methods.  Hurl the insults.  Send the midnight texts to keep me away from the late night snack.  Punch me in the balls.  I just need help.  I know this feeling I have right now too well, it snowballs and eventually defeats me.

I took a step on my own today and signed up for the Marine Corp Marathon down in DC in October.  I figure having to train for another marathon only six months away will keep me somewhat on track, I just hope its enough.  I hope this feeling comes and goes quickly this time around.  I have six weeks until Boston and I need to go into it as strong as I can physically and mentally.